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As a sober college student, Ivonne Millan is tired of being asked “why.” It seems that question — dripping with judgment and scrutiny — always overshadows her simply because when she’s offered an alcoholic drink, she declines.

While at Syracuse, she’s sought social communities that accept her regardless of her decision to be sober. But that has been no easy feat.

“It’s challenging if the whole night, you’re going to be questioned about a single decision,” said Millian, a junior studying psychology. “It makes it impossible to feel like you’re welcomed and accepted the way you are.”

Millan describes herself as one of few students at SU choosing to abstain from drinking and using other substances. Being sober can be an isolating experience, since many social interactions involve drinking and partying, she said.

With a history of alcoholism in her family, Millan decided when she was young she wasn’t going to drink and has remained steadfast in her commitment.

Dr. Brian Johnson, a professor emeritus of Psychiatry and Behavioral Studies at Upstate Medical University, said this human urge to ask ‘why’ is reflective of a larger phenomenon in addiction medicine — mass denial.

In addition to making it difficult for people to rationalize sobriety, Johnson said mass denial prevents those struggling with a substance to recognize they need help.

“There are basically two categories of people — people who drink recreationally and people who have alcoholism,” Johnson said. “But most people don’t realize the true definition of alcoholism, which is ‘repeated harm from drinking.’ Just those four words.”

Suddenly, it seemed that everyone Millian met only wanted to hang out in the context of drinking, and when she explained that she didn’t drink, she was judged. She felt forced to decline invitations and felt isolated from the rest of her peers.

“Coming here was a shock. Every kind of social interaction or opportunity to meet and connect with other people had to involve drinking.” Millan said. “It was a difficult topic, especially talking about it with my peers and how I wasn’t comfortable doing it. So I just wouldn’t be social.”

Millan believed there had to be a third option — a place where she could still have a rich social life yet still feel her boundaries were respected. Then, a few months into her freshman year, she discovered Orange After Dark and University Union, two social organizations that hosted events on campus, free from the shroud of alcohol or substances.

“There hasn’t been a moment in one of the events where I felt like I’m not fitting in,” Millan said. “I feel like I can let loose and just be myself, without having to explain or justify my choices.”

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To try and be sober on a college campus, Johnson said, is not an easy undertaking. In an environment filled with triggers and pressure, the word ‘no’ can feel nearly impossible to say.

Johnson emphasized the importance of support networks, like living on a sober floor and attending a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, which, given its high success rate, Johnson believes should be an on-campus resource and is nothing to be ashamed of.

“If you don’t have denial, you know that a substantial minority of people who drink alcohol have alcoholism. And it kills 4% of Americans,” Johnson said. “So, if someone is not drinking, they do not owe you a reason why. It’s noble and brave, not somehow inferior.”

The camaraderie and acceptance at both OAD and UU events, Millan said, was palpable, and inspired her to join the executive boards of both organizations to give other students that same feeling. A fellow OAD board member, Courtney Conte, also applied to the executive board to give back to the student community. Unlike Millan, though, Conte isn’t sober.

Conte explained that instead of viewing drinking as something black and white, she strives to embrace life in shades of gray with moderation. This philosophy is what led her to OAD, Conte said, because even though the events are sober, they don’t just cater to the sober community.

“It takes away that stigma of ‘oh, you’re going to an Orange After Dark event? Are you going because it’s a sober space?’” Conte said. “We don’t advertise it like that, and that creates an environment where everyone is included.”

Even though she isn’t sober, Conte recalled experiencing similar social situations as Millan did, where drinking felt like a requisite in order to have a social life.

Conte refused to accept that if she declined an invitation to a party her only other option was to stay in her room at night. For her, OAD became a middle ground.

“There’s always a huge pressure, especially on underclassmen, that you should be going to the frats or house parties. Why wasn’t Orange After Dark on that docket?” Conte said. “I can still go out on a Saturday night. Or, I do grocery bingo with OAD … There is room for both.”

Both Millan and Conte emphasized the power of walking into an OAD event and feeling accepted. Whether a student is attending an OAD event because they are embracing a life of sobriety or because they wandered in from a flier they saw outside, Conte said there is a place for them at OAD.

Millan echoed similar sentiments, and added how the inclusive nature of OAD alleviates the self-consciousness she often feels when people are questioning her sobriety.

“It’s very easy for me to see someone offering alcohol and say ‘no.’ But then I think of the exhausting questions that will come up afterward.” Millan said. “I don’t want to explain my very personal decision. Why should I have to?”

Johnson, who was the head of Addiction Medicine at Upstate for 13 years, explained that culturally, there is a tendency to deny the prevalence of drug addiction and an even stronger urge to deny the lives it claims.

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“Twenty-two percent of Americans die from drug addiction, according to 2021 mortality rates. And alcohol consumed in large quantities is a drug,” Johnson said. “That denial makes people startled to hear that because we don’t think about it. But people are being killed all around us.”

Because this collective denial is so rampant, Johnson said, the urge to question a person’s decision to be sober is natural, since both the risk of alcoholism and a desire to be sober seems unfathomable.

Setting boundaries to affirm personal needs was also something Johnson suggested for sober students, from having conversations with friends about any problematic comments to creating distance from individuals who don’t respect those needs.

For Millan, setting boundaries to protect her sobriety has given her the power to reclaim her narrative and allowed her to inspire others to do the same with her work at OAD and UU.

“There have been people in my life where drinking is a requirement to hang out with them. I just let go of those people,” Millan said. “But then new people come into my life, who may or may not drink, and they don’t expect me to. We just come as we are, and it’s a gift.”

Published on February 1, 2023 at 11:28 pm