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To all of the people that I’ve ever disturbed in the bathroom,

I’m sorry for all of the terrible things I’ve done. I’m not proud of it. To those of you who I’ve shared a bathroom with after I’ve eaten food with any butter, egg, milk, hint of red meat or even slight breading, I’m sorry. I know it’s a gastrointestinal issue. I’m seeing a doctor, I promise.

It’s not like I wanted to do this to you guys. I tried the all-gender restroom, but of course it was locked, and my issue was urgent. If it makes you feel any better, I even eyed a wellness room sink and thought of pulling a “Melissa McCarthy in ‘Bridesmaids’” before even thinking about exposing you to these terrors.

To the two girls talking crap about their friend’s boyfriend – I hear you. And I see you. The crack between the door and the stall wall is abnormally large. I assure you, I’ve been eavesdropping through my own personal struggles, which include bracing the walls of this bathroom stall because my stomach hurts so bad. I’m sorry about this, but in my defense, you guys are talking quite loud. I know Jason is “a male manipulator” with “a small appendage,” and I don’t mean for my personal business to get in the way of your conversation.

I also want to take a second to address the girl I had to ask to hand me toilet paper the other day. I mean, you didn’t have to ignore me like you did, but I understand why you may have been apprehensive to talk to me after I violently screamed, “GOD, PLEASE, NO!” when I saw the empty cardboard roll that took the place of where my toilet paper was supposed to be. The thirty seconds of awkward silence before you flushed the toilet and rushed out without washing your hands really told me all I needed to know.

To the girl in the stall next to me, sobbing her eyes out, I know I’m interrupting your coming-of-age moment. Though I may not know what’s going on with you, whether you just failed a test, fell down a few of the Falk stairs, or even worse, spent all of your ‘CUSE Cash and now actually have to cook for yourself – I’m aware that life is difficult. So, I’m sorry to make your bad moment even worse. I know this has been loud and uncomfortable.

I also know that the TikToks I’ve been watching haven’t been making the situation any better, but my legs went numb 15 minutes ago. I also left my earbuds at home, and I’m not about to sit on this Bird Library toilet seat in silence.

XOXO,
Sarah

Published on October 8, 2023 at 9:35 pm

Contact Sarah: sswells@syr.edu