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Humor Column

Our humor columnist says these study methods are all you need to pass finals

Sara McConnell | Contributing Illustrator

Our humor columnist needs a little motivation to study. For some students, that means flashcards. For her, it means hiring a scary man off Craigslist.

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Finals week sucks. It’s a lot of stress, work and heartache (plus, you also have to deal with the reality of moving out of your dorm). Quite frankly, it’s all too much. However, something I’ve learned in my two years here at Syracuse is that finals week is much easier when you take some time to study.

Fun fact about me: I’m terrible at studying. Already this finals week, I’ve made a habit of watching videos of Sabrina Carpenter performing “Espresso” at Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival while my assignment lies abandoned on another tab. What can I say? She’s a magical performer, but this doesn’t make for the most productive work.

If any of you also struggle with the monotony of sitting down and studying for tests or writing essays, I’ve come up with a few helpful methods. Some of them may sound a little bizarre, but just trust me.

This first one has been really helpful. So, basically, I’m a big “study with a friend” person. What I like to do is set my boyfriend up with a spray bottle and one of those apps that parents use to track their children’s internet activity. If he sees anything unrelated to the paper on climate change that I’m writing, he has to spray me like an angry cat until I start working on my paper again. This is effective and also hydrating.



Another tip I have is to set up a Pomodoro timer, which is where you work for a certain amount of time before taking a break for a small increment. Except, for every hour that you work, you have to do 50 sit-ups during your break. Instead of earning a reward, you have more motivation to get your work done. Let’s be honest, no one wants to do sit-ups. However, if you’re easily distracted, like me, you may have a six-pack by the end of finals week. If you really, really want to get your work done, I recommend doing push-ups instead. This is based on the common knowledge that people hate push-ups maybe even more than sit-ups.

My third tip also requires a friend. I go on Craigslist and post that I am searching for “The Scariest Man Ever.” When he responds, I get him to come to the library and stare at me the entire time I’m doing my work. Like, unflinchingly. Every time I start to get even a little bit distracted, he has to stare me in the eyes and menacingly break a pencil. His name is Rufus, and believe it or not, he’s actually quite a nice guy!

Sometimes, I also get my work done by pretending that my professor has kidnapped my mother and is holding her hostage until I turn in my paper. Every now and then, I even make a fake ransom note to strengthen the effect of the scenario. Could I have finished my work in the time it took me to buy a bunch of magazines, cut out letters from them and glue them onto paper? Like, probably. But I’m very aesthetic-oriented. That’s why I make vision boards.

Guys, we’re almost done. So, let’s go out with a bang and invite random men from Craigslist to watch us while we do our work. Happy studying!

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